Is it allowed in Islam for parents or sheikhs to force young girls (under the age of puberty) to wear hijab? What if they don’t want to? Can we spank them to wear it? Can we spank them if they don’t pray or fast or they lie, steal or hurt their siblings?
All praise be to Allah, and may His blessings and peace be on His last messenger, Muhammad,
The answer to this question depends on what is meant by “force,” and the age of those young girls. I will divide it into three parts:
- The use of force in dealing with children
- The need to get children used to the injunctions of Islam before puberty
- The issue of young girls wearing hijab and the extent of their ‘awrah (to-be-covered-nakedness.)
- The use of force in dealing with children
Parents do have the right (and obligation) to direct their children to that which is in their best interest. The parents must exercise that right to make their children do what is right and avoid what is wrong. If they don’t, they become liable in front of Allah for failing to discharge their duties towards their children and honor His trust. Children will need some assertiveness on the part of the parents at times, because they may not be able always to comprehend what is best for them. It is known to all people that many children would rather play than study, for instance. Then, it is the agreement of sane humans that one may need to “make” his/ her child do something against their wish.
An Arab poet once said:
فَقَسَا لِيَزْدجُرَوا وَمَنْ يَكُ حَازِمًا***فَلْيَقْسُ أَحْيَانًا عَلَى مَنْ يَرْحَمُ
So, he treated them with harshness that they may desist (from wrongdoing) and he who is resolute must sometimes be harsh with those he cares for.
Now, how do you “make” them do what is right? This varies from child to child and from parent to parent. It also varies with the matter at hand, and surrounding circumstances, including local laws. Additionally, girls should be treated with more gentleness because it suits their nature.
In general, Gentleness is the most essential ingredient in behavior, particularly towards children. ‘Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) reported that the Messenger of Allah said,
“يا عَائِشَةُ إِنَّ اللَّهَ رَفِيقٌ يُحِبُّ الرِّفْقَ ويعطى على الرِّفْقِ ما لَا يعطى على الْعُنْفِ وما لَا يعطى على ما سِوَاهُ”
“O ‘Aisha, Allah is gentle, and he loves gentleness, and He grants (reward) for gentleness that which He doesn’t for violence or anything else.” [Muslim]
Being gentle and caring will spare us the use of force in the vast majority of cases and with the vast majority of children. After all, we must remember that Aisha said,
“مَا ضَرَبَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ شَيْئًا قَطُّ بِيَدِهِ وَلَا امْرَأَةً وَلَا خَادِمًا إِلَّا أَنْ يُجَاهِدَ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ…”.
“The Messenger of Allah never hit anything with His hand; neither a woman, nor a servant, except during Jihad).
Having said all that, we know for sure it is allowed to force them to pray, and to even use some force if needed. The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace be upon him) said,
“مروا أولادكم بالصلاة لسبع سنين، واضربوهم عليها لعشر، وفرقوا بينهم في المضاجع”
“Command your children to pray at age seven and, at age ten spank them if they neglect it and, separate between them in bed at the time of sleep.” [Ahmad and Alhakim from Abdullah ibn ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas.]
Rules of Punishment
The previous hadeeth means that many years are spent in coaching before one may resort to punishment. However, at one point, if all the other means failed, and you decided to punish them, you must remember the following guidelines:
- Don’t make du’a’ against them (this is not disciplining; it is revenge). The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said:
” لا تدعوا على أنفسكم، ولا تدعوا على أولادكم، ولا تدعوا على أموالكم، لا توافقوا من الله ساعة يسأل فيها عطاء فيستجيب لكم.”
“Don’t curse yourselves and don’t curse your children and don’t curse your wealth because you might coincide with an hour of acceptance with Allah, then he accepts the supplications and replies.” [Muslim from Jabir]
- Don’t look for reasons to punish them.
But when you are confronted by a situation, in which you deem punishment to be necessary, go ahead. It would be of note here that we as Muslims are taught by our Prophet to not follow the shortcomings of others, he said:
“لا تغتابوا المسلمين ولا تتبعوا عوراتهم.”
“Do not backbite against the Muslims or follow their shortcomings.” [Abu Dawood]
This hadeeth also applies to our household. For instance, you have to ordain your ten-year-old child to pray by the age of ten, but I wouldn’t come back from work and ask him if he did and punish him if he didn’t. Why? Because I am forcing him into one of two options, the first is to say the truth and bear the punishment, which is very hard for a child this age. The second, would be to lie, and in his case, I would be contributing to raising a hypocrite.
- Not for any or every mistake
You should notice from the ahadeeth mentioned here above that spanking was only used with big violations like abandoning the prayers or lying.
As far as the following hadeeth: It was narrated by imam Ahmad in his musnad that the prophet said:
“وأنفق على عيالك من طولك – أي من قدرتك- ولا ترفع عصاك عنهم أدبا وأخفهم في الله.”
“…and afford your children according to your means, and do not neglect your stick with which you instruct them. Let them fear you for Allah’s sake.” [Ahmad, al-Baihaqi, and others]
Even though al-Albani (may Allah bestow mercy on him) authenticated it, it is of controversial authenticity, and if it were authentic, you will still need to understand it in the right context of all other reports, including the ones here above.
- Not when you are angry
Remember that punishing kids is only intended for their own sake, not for you to vent out your anger. In fact, when you are angry, you should defer any disciplining until you calm down (which admittedly, is hard at all times). The Prophet said:
“علموا يسروا ولا تعسروا وبشروا و لا تنفروا وإذا غضب أحدكم فليسكت.”
“Educate, make it easy and not hard and give glad tidings (to people) and don’t repel them if one of you got angry let him be silent.” [Ahmad from Ibn ‘Abbas]
- Punishment should never be humiliating.
You should avoid punishing your child in public or in a way that is humiliating.
- There are stages to go through before inflicting physical punishment
Modern behavioral pediatrics suggests the use of both negative and positive reinforcement, and despite that the majority of the behavioral specialists don’t condone or even agree with any type of corporal punishment, some are more realistic and wouldn’t mind it within reason.
In Contemporary Pediatrics August/2001, page 83 under the title corporal punishment, the author said it “may not be inappropriate within a secure, loving relationship.” That is exactly what Islam calls for. Here are some of the steps that should precede any physical punishment:
- Positive Reinforcement: That is to emphasize the right behavior by reward which doesn’t have to be physical or monetary, in fact it should be emotional/psychological encouragement most of the time such as showing admiration or saying you have done a good job. If that does not work and the child does what is wrong, it may be enough to point out to him what is right.
Omar ibn Salamah said:
“كنت غلاما في حجر رسول الله وكانت يدي تطيش في الصحفة، فقال لي رسول الله: يا غلام، سمِّ الله تعالى وكل بيمينك، وكل مما يليك، فما زالت تلك طعمتي بعد.”
“I was a young boy under the care of the messenger and my hand used to go around the dish while eating. He said to me”o boy, say Bismillah, and eat with your right hand and eat of the dish what is near to you”. Then Amr said, “Since that I have applied those instructions while eating.” [Agreed upon]
The star chart and similar tools: Part of positive reinforcement is to have a star chart for the child or any other scoring system that is tangible and the child can see and be motivated by. The chart or any other scoring system should be hung on some place apparent such as the refrigerator or his/her own bedroom. At the end of the row, you will give your child a prize. This should be used to reward adherence to certain virtues.
- Negative Reinforcement: At other times you may need to tell them what they are doing is wrong. Al-Hassan ibn Aly when he was a young child crawling on the floor took a date from the dates of charity and put it in his mouth. The Prophet took it out of his mouth threw it away and said[1]
“كخ كخ ارم بها، أما علمت أنا لا نأكل الصدقة”
“kikh, kikh, throw it, did you not know that we [meaning the household of the Prophet] cannot eat from charity?” [Agreed upon]
Even if you think the mistake is a big one, you still can be merciful, and remember that children do make “big” mistakes.
It was reported (with some weakness) that the uncle of Abu Rafi’ bin Amr said:
“كنت وأنا غلام أرمي نخلا للأنصار فأتي النبي فقيل له إن ها هنا غلاما فأتي بي إلى النبي فقال : يا غلام لِمَ ترمي النخل ؟ قال : قلت آكل ، قال : لا ترم النخل، وكل مما يسقط في أسافلها ثم مسح رأسي ، وقال اللهم أشبع بطنه.”
“I was throwing pebbles at palms that belonged to the Ansar. The people brought me to the Prophet who said: “young boy! Why do you throw pebbles at the palms?” I answered: I want to eat dates. He said: “do not throw pebbles at dates. Instead, eat of the falling dates under the palms.” he then patted on my head and said: “O Allah! Let his belly feel satisfaction.” (Abu Dawood)
- Transient Emotional Abandonment: Assuming none of the above worked, one may transiently ignore the child’s need for attention and warmth, by things such as not smiling to him like usual or not talking to him for a day or two, depending on the gravity of the mistake. If you really exhaust your options, you will rarely if ever need to resort to physical punishment which should never be severe.
Before I conclude this point, I’d like to remind you that our best example the Messenger of Allah has never used his hand in beating any one (wife, slave-servant or child) he only did in jihad for the cause of Allah. Finally, remember that what the difference between discipline-based parenting and punishment-based parenting, and emphasizing your authority vs showing off your power is not in the type of response to your kids’ misbehavior, but rather the motivation (intention) behind it and the attitudes attached to our corrective responses, before and after them. A spanking, for example may be discipline or mere punishment, exercise of authority or show off of power depending on what else did and said before and after it. In other words,
- Did you teach them first what is right?
- Did you encourage them to do what is right?
- Did you give them several warnings of punishment if they did the wrong behavior?
- Do you have a dominant environment of love and compassion in the home?
- Did you control your anger before you inflicted the punishment?
- Did you want to get even with your child or deter him from wrongdoing?
- Are you going to keep on reminding him about his shortcoming, or you will follow Allah’s way in wiping out sins through repentance and expiation? I would also tell the entire household to not open up any discussion about previous mistakes that a child quit doing.
- The need to get children used to the injunctions of Islam before puberty
Allah the Most Fair and Merciful didn’t make the children liable for mistakes before they reach the age of majority. He does however reward them for the good they do during this time. However, since it is not wise to expect that children will wake up one day to find themselves having to comply with all of the teachings of Islam that they now reached puberty, Allah made it the duty of their parents to instruct them before hand to comply with the teachings of the religion.
In addition to the hadeeth mentioned before about the prayers, we also know that certain major mistakes committed by children were subject to punishment by the sahabah. Abdullah Ibn Masood reported that the Prophet said,
“خير الناس قرني ثم الذين يلونهم ثم الذين يلونهم ثم يجيء أقوام تسبق شهادة أحدهم يمينه ويمينه شهادته قال إبراهيم وكانوا يضربوننا على الشهادة والعهد و نحن صغار.”
“The best people are those living in my generation, and then those who will follow them, and then those who will follow the latter. Then there will come some people who will bear witness before taking oaths, and take oaths before bearing witness.” (Ibraheem, a sub-narrator said, “they used to beat us for witnesses and covenants when we were still children.” [al-Bukhari]
It is to be also remembered that it is not only salat that needs practice and training to become of one’s second nature, and to be easy for one to perform after they reach the age of majority and accountability. Arrubaye’ bint Mu’awedh said,
“أرسل النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم غداة عاشوراء إلى قرى الأنصار من أصبح مفطرا فليتم بقية يومه ومن أصبح صائما فليصم قالت فكنا نصومه بعد ونصوم صبياننا ونجعل لهم اللعبة من العهن فإذا بكى أحدهم على الطعام أعطيناه ذاك حتى يكون عند الإفطار.”
“the Prophet sent a messenger to the village of the Ansar in the morning of the day of ‘Ashura’ (10th of Muharram) to announce:’ whoever has eaten something should not eat but complete the fast, and whoever is observing the fast should complete it.” She further said, “since then we used to fast on that day regularly and also make our boys fast. We used to make toys of wool for the boys and if anyone of them cried for food, he was given those toys till it was the time of the breaking of the fast.” [al-Bukhari]
Now, is wearing hijab a matter that needs training and getting accustomed to? For sure it does. It may be more momentous of an undertaking than fasting and many other obligations. This applies even more outside the land of Islam. If the girl grows up wearing hijab from a young age, she will not go through much turmoil putting it on later in life, and she will be comfortable with her different looks as part of who she is.
- The issue of young girls wearing hijab and the extent of their ‘awrah (to-be-covered-nakedness.)
As for the scholarly positions on the ‘awrah (to-be-covered-nakedness) of a child, there are two different matters to address:
- As stated before, the child shall not be liable for mistakes committed by him/ her before puberty. That is the position of the vast majority. It is also the stronger position for the following statement of the Prophet (blessings and peace be upon him):
“رُفِعَ القَلَمُ عَنْ ثَلَاثَةٍ: عَنِ المَجْنُونِ المَغْلُوبِ عَلَى عَقْلِهِ حَتَّى يُفِيقْ، وَعِنِ النَائِمِ حَتَّى يَسْتَيْقَظَ، وَعَنِ الصَبِي حَتَّى يَحْتَلِمَ.”
“The pen has been lifted for three (they are not held accountable): one who has lost his mind until he regains his sanity, one who is asleep until he wakes up, and a child until he reaches puberty.” [Abu Dawood]
This is particularly true for the case at hand because of the following statement of the Prophet (blessings and peace be upon him):
“لَا يَقْبَلُ الله صَلَاةَ حَائِضٍ إلا بِخِمَارٍ.”
“Allah will not accept the prayer of a woman who reached puberty except with a headcovering.” [Abu Dawood] Notice: “who reached puberty.”
- When should the girl be told by the parents to cover her ‘awarh? Here are the positions of the people of knowledge in some detail [see al-Mawsoo’ah al-Fiqhiyah 31:51-52]:
According to the Hanafis, there is no respected ‘awarh to age four, then it increases in extent until age ten, and by age ten, it is like that of the grown-ups.
According to the Malikis, there is no respected ‘awarh until almost three years of age. Afterwards it is not permissible to touch her, until she becomes “mushtahah” (desired by the average men). After that, which doesn’t have to be at puberty, she should cover like women do.
According to the Shafi’is, it is, like the Malikis, about being “mushtahah” (desired by the average men). If she is, then she should cover like women do. Mote that they always demand covering the private parts. Some of them consider the ‘awrah of the child like that of the adults.
According to the Hanbalis, up to seven, she must cover from the navel to the knee (of course this is the minimum, and they must not have meant that she would go out like that, but they left the rest to the parents’ discretion), then between seven and nine, she must cover the entire body except the face, neck, head, arms to the elbows, and legs to the knees. After nine, she covers like women do.
The reason why they differed is the absence of a clear statement regarding this issue in the revelation. They resorted to the objectives and principles of Shari’a. The best statement – I believe – is what Ibn Nujaim reported from az-Zaheeriyah (Hanafi text). He said, “In az-Zaheeriyah: The very young girl has no (to-be-covered) ‘awrah. It is not forbidden to look at her and touch her [certainly, that is not lustful touching]. In as-Siraaj al-Wahhaaj, as for the ‘awarh of the boys and girls, as long as they are not desired (by the average women and men), it is the front and back (private parts) only. It continues to get stricter and stricter until age ten, and then it becomes like that of the adults, for that (ten) is an age at which women reach puberty.” [Al-Bahr ar-Raiq by Ibn Nujaim, 1:285]
So, to summarize, the age at which one may ask of his/ her daughters to wear hijab varies. Some girls seek to wear it at an earlier age to emulate their mothers and the rest of the grown-ups around them. They should not be prevented from that, but rather encouraged. For those that need some convincing, the age of seven may be, like with prayers, a good age to start introducing the concept and gradually training them on it. Nine to ten is the age at which it should be emphasized.
Finally, giving attention to the laws of your locality is important. It is never wise to discipline your child by spanking if that will subject you and him/ her to a much greater ordeal with the law. It is also important to be aware of and sensitive to the prevalent customs, so as to not contribute to creating a negative public image of Islam and Muslims.
Allah knows best.