If the adult male child is (age 24) single living at home with parents but chooses to move out, can the parents force him to stay at home? And how much control can they be in that childs’ personal life? For example their expenses, friends, their work hours, why they are out late at night, who they talk to online, and/or pictures they post online.
All praise be to Allah and may His blessings and peace be on His last messenger, Muhammad,
It is important that we first remind the child of the importance of being dutiful towards the parents.
Allah said,
“وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا* وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا”
“And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, “My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.” [Q, Sahih International: 17:23-24]
The meaning of “And lower to them the wing of humility” is to show them your submissive side, out of mercy and affection.
Therefore, the child must obey the parents in every command unless:
- They command disobedience
For the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace be upon him) said,
” لَا طَاعَةَ فِي مَعْصِيَةِ اللَّهِ؛ إِنَّمَا الطَّاعَةُ فِي الْمَعْرُوفِ.”
“There is no obedience to anyone at the expense of disobeying Allah. Obedience is only with regard to that which is sensible and good.” [Agreed upon – from Ali]
- They command the routine abandonment of sunnah practices
Although they may command him to Miss a preferable action, but they can’t do that routinely or ask him to miss it all the time. This means that they can ask him to break his fast on some days, but may not prevent him from fasting on Mondays forever. Imam Taqiy-ud-Deen as-Subki quoted from at-Tartousi al-Maliki,
” إذا نهياه عن سنة راتبة المرة بعد المرة أطاعهما وإن كان ذلك على الدوام فلا طاعة لهما فيه لما فيه من إماتة الشرع”
“If they prevented him from some of the routine sunnah prayers on random basis, he should obey them. However, if they ask him to miss it all the time, there shall be no obedience due to them. For that compromises the shraria.”
- They command something senseless
For the aforementioned hadeeth. However, this has to be senseless according to all sensible people. Otherwise, it opens a huge gate towards disobedience when the child is the one who determines whether the command is sensible or not. Imam Ibn Hajar al-Haitami said,
“ولقد شاهدت من بعض الآباء مع أبنائهم أمورا في غاية الحمق التي أوجبت لكل من سمعها أن يعذر الولد ويخطئ الوالد…”
“I have seen of some parents with regard to their children things that are utterly senselss, making anyone hearing about them pardon the child and blame the parent…”
- They command something of no benefit to them or him
Imam Ibn Hajar al-Haitami said,
” وبهذا يعلم أنه لا يلزم الولد امتثال أمر والده بالتزام مذهبه لأن ذاك حيث لا غرض فيه صحيح مجرد حمق.”
“According to this, it is to be known that the child may not have to obey the parent in following his madhhab. For this, when devoid of a good reason, is basically foolishness.”
- They command something that is harmful to him or too burdensome
For the Messenger of Allah said,
“لا ضرر ولا ضرار.”
“There should be no harm or reciprocation of harm.” It also means that one may not harm himself or others. [Reported by Ahmad, and it is sound].
Imam Ibn Taymiyyah said,
“ويلزم الإنسان طاعة والديه في غير المعصية وإن كانا فاسقين، وهو ظاهر إطلاق أحمد، وهذا فيما فيه منفعة لهما ولا ضرر، فإن شق عليه ولم يضره وجب وإلا فلا.”
“It is incumbent upon man to obey his parents in that which is not disobedience to Allah, even if they [his parents] are fasiqs. This is the apparent meaning of Ahmad’s statements. This pertains, though, to that which bears benefit to them and no harm to him. However, if it poses harm to him, then it is not mandatory.”
Based on the above criteria, if your parents have a valid purpose for your presence with them, and it doesn’t cause you harm to do that, you should obey them. If not, then you may not have to obey them. I have to remind you though, that in a matter of this sensitivity, and in the light of the verses here above, I urge you to err on the side of caution, which is obeying them, if the issue is unclear to you.
Allah knows best.