Muslim girl struggling to become a better Muslim but feel hurt and knocked down time and time from husband whom also is Muslim. I feel the closer I try to get to the religion the more it seems to be getting harder for me. Don’t feel at peace in my marriage but don’t want to break my marriage due to children and good father but don’t feel like he is loving and supporting husband. the only thing that has brought me closer to my religion is my husband but at the same time i feel he is the only one whom is keeping me from it also. Don’t know how to explain.
All praise be to Allah, and may His Blessings and Peace be on His Last Messenger,
I commend you for wanting to keep the family together, and for being a responsible mother.
Divorce is permitted by Allah for the welfare of those who engaged in unsuccessful marriages. However, divorce is disliked by Allah.
In the following report collected by Muslim from Jabir, the Prophet (s) discloses to us the detail of a conspiracy. He (s) said:
“إِنَّ إِبْلِيسَ يَضَعُ عَرْشَهُ على الْمَاءِ ثُمَّ يَبْعَثُ سَرَايَاهُ فَأَدْنَاهُمْ منه مَنْزِلَةً أَعْظَمُهُمْ فِتْنَةً يَجِيءُ أَحَدُهُمْ فيقول فَعَلْتُ كَذَا وَكَذَا فيقول ما صَنَعْتَ شيئا قال ثُمَّ يَجِيءُ أَحَدُهُمْ فيقول ما تَرَكْتُهُ حتى فَرَّقْتُ بَيْنَهُ وَبَيْنَ امْرَأَتِهِ قال فَيُدْنِيهِ منه وَيَقُولُ نَعْمَ أنت.”
“Iblees (the devil) places his throne on water and dispatches his troops, and the closest of them to him is one who is greater in misguiding people. One of them comes and says, I have done so-and-so, and he (Iblees) says, you have not done much. Another one comes and says, I did not leave him until he divorced his wife, so he (Ibless) brings him closer and says, yes you are the one.”
Allah also discourages us from divorce in the Quran. He (aj) says:
( وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ فَإِنْ كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَى أَنْ تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئاً وَيَجْعَلَ اللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيْراً كَثِيراً)(النساء: من الآية19)
“And live with them (your spouses) in kindness. For if you dislike them, perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.” (4:19)
It also seems from what you said that your husband is a practicing Muslim, and he was the one to initially help you come closer to the religion. A righteous husband is a gift that is appreciated by millions of women who are deprived of it. The Prophet (s) said:
“من رزقه الله امرأة صالحة ؛ فقد أعانه على شطر دينه، فليتق الله في الشطر الباقي.”
“He whom Allah provides with a righteous woman was helped on half of his deen, so let him fear Allah regarding the other half.” Reported and authenticated by al-Hakim.
The same applies to a woman having a righteous husband.
Make your relationship with Allah most central in your life, and don’t be excessively dependent on your husband emotionally. Know that the purpose of our existence is to worship Allah. All other pursuits of life are but means to that end.
You should also try to find pleasure in some rewarding activities. Stay connected to the local masjid, and try to help with various Islamic activities: social, educational, etc. This will reduce your mental anguish about the husband who is emotionally distant – as I get from your description.
Try to connect to him through good deeds. Invite him to pray together. The Prophet (s) said:
” رحم الله رجلا قام من الليل فصلى وأيقظ امرأته فإن أبت نضح في وجهها الماء رحم الله امرأة قامت من الليل فصلت وأيقظت زوجها فإن أبي نضحت في وجهه الماء”
“May Allah have mercy upon the man who wakes up to pray during the night and wakes his wife to pray, and if she does not wake up he splashes water on her face. May Allah have mercy upon the woman who wakes up to pray during the night and wakes her husband to pray, and if he does not wake up she splashes water on his face.” (Ahmad)
Take good care of your appearance: Ibn ‘Abbas said:
“إنِّي أُحِبُّ أَنْ أَتَزَيَّنَ لِلْمَرْأَةِ, كَمَا أُحِبُّ أَنْ تَتَزَيَّنَ لِي الْمَرْأَةُ؛ لأَنَّ اللَّهَ تَعَالَى يَقُولُ: (وَلَهُنَّ مِثْلُ الَّذِي عَلَيْهِنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ) و َمَا أُحِبُّ أَنْ أَسْتَنْظفَ –أي استخلص- جَمِيعَ حَقِّي عَلَيْهَا؛ لأَنَّ اللَّهَ تَعَالَى يَقُولُ: (وَلِلرِّجَالِ عَلَيْهِنَّ دَرَجَةٌ)”
“I like to beautify myself for my wife just as I would like her to beautify herself for me.” And he then recited the ayah that says: “And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness.”
The following are important enhancers of the marital relationship: smiling, joking and change; physical intimacy; emotional and moral support, particularly when he is distressed because of some incident at work or elsewhere.
If you do your best, and your husband continues to be distant, you will have absolved yourself of the responsibility and guilt. You should then continue to show kindness to him for Allah and ask Allah to reconcile his heart towards you. You may also seek arbitration by wise and caring individuals.
Finally, if all means fail, and you feel irreversibly resentful and unable to live with him in accord with the teachings of Islam, then you may seek separation by asking him for divorce or demanding khul’. I pray that you won’t need to take that step.
Allah knows best.