All praise be to Allah, and may His Blessings and Peace be on His Last Messenger, ‎

Every great pursuit in this life should be based on a certain vision, and should aspire to ‎achieve a certain end.‎
The pursuit of raising our children may be one of the most important and rewarding ‎pursuits, as well as challenging, and even frustrating at times. ‎
The following are guiding concepts for Islamic upbringing which we as parents need to ‎understand in order to effectively raise our children in an Islamic manner. ‎
‎1-The Relation with Allah ‎

The central, pivotal and fundamental point of this ideology is the relation with Allah. In ‎other words, the aim of Islamic upbringing is to help our children develop their personalities ‎in such a way that they are conscious of their responsibility towards Allah while ‎understanding that He is the ultimate and eventual Goal, for He is the First and Last. ‎
Almunamy (may Allah bestow mercy on him) said, in Fayd-ul-Qadeer: ‎
‏”من حصل له الوصول نال غاية المقصود فلم يفته شيء ومن فاته المقصود المعبود فاته كل شيء.”‏ ‏ ‏
‎ “He who reaches [i.e. the pleasure of Allah] has gained everything and he who misses his ‎besought Lord (Allah) has missed everything.”‎
The essence and goal of all divine messages is to guide mankind to conform to the ‎Divine. This is the natural course and, as such, the only one that will grant us success and ‎happiness in both lives.‎
Tawheed means making our relationship with Allah central and above all other ‎quests in life. It is the only holistic approach to the making of the righteous and happy ‎individual. It is the only way to encompass and engage the whole individual: ‎spiritually, ‎morally, intellectually, physically, emotionally and socially. It opens up to him a “big ‎picture” ‎view of the world as an intricate network of interconnected and interdependent ‎relationships and ‎systems. It seeks to connect the heart, mind and soul of the learner to ‎the source of all ‎wholeness, holiness and wellbeing.‎ ‎
On this path of tawheed-ullah, you will not only worship one god, but also seek ‎guidance from the one and only God. The individual whose ultimate source of ideology is ‎God alone can reconcile between the various dichotomies of life such as the mind and ‎soul, the ‎brain and heart, the body and spirit, idealism and realism, ‎etc. ‎
This is the only way one may experience true internal serenity and contentment, and ‎be at peace with the destinies s/he may face. It was scientifically found that “Believing that ‎one hand is in control of everything eases the mind.”‎

‎2-Treating the Human Being as a Whole (Body and Soul)‎

إِذْ قَالَ رَبُّكَ لِلْمَلائِكَةِ إِنِّي خَالِقٌ بَشَراً مِنْ طِينٍ فَإِذَا سَوَّيْتُهُ وَنَفَخْتُ فِيهِ مِنْ رُوحِي فَقَعُوا لَهُ سَاجِدِينَ‎ ‏ ‏‏[ص:71-72]‏
‎ “(Remember) when your Lord said to the Angels: “Truly I am going to create man ‎from clay”. So when I have fashioned him and breathed into him (his) soul created ‎by me, then you fall down and prostrate to him.”‎‏ ‏‎[38/71] ‎‏ ‏

This concept is ubiquitously observed in the various Islamic teachings which work on the ‎refinement of the genuine human inclination for the well-being of the individual and the society at ‎large. Islam does not deny those inclinations or categorically condemn any of them. ‎
There are many examples for this concept in the Islamic teachings, including how ‎Islam addresses our desires for food and sex. With regards to sex, for instance, you find ‎that Islam does not consider it filthy or disgraceful as long as it is done in a wholesome way ‎that will protect the honor and rights of both parties, and – equally important – the rights of ‎the fruits of these relations, the children. So, when that issue is addressed with the child at ‎the appropriate time, parents need to make sure s/he respects this desire as a part of ‎his/her constitution. At the same time, parents need to exhort their child to exercise this ‎desire in a way that is wholesome and conducive to the well being of themselves, their ‎partners, their children and society at large.‎
On the other hand, this concept helps parents be more balanced in raising their ‎children by realizing that we are not raising cattle, and that our children need emotional and ‎spiritual sustenance as much as they need their physical desires met.‎
As for education, parents should not spare any effort teaching their children about ‎their Deen, without ignoring the importance of math, science, as well as other fields of ‎beneficial knowledge, which will help them earn a living and advance their personal cause, ‎once they are grown up, and subsequently use their power and knowledge for the benefit ‎of the whole ummah.‎

‎3-Moderation

‏(قال أنس بن مالك ‏‏ جاء ثلاثة رهط إلى بيوت أزواج النبي ‏‏ يسألون عن عبادة النبي ‏‏ فلما أخبروا ‏كأنهم تقالوها فقالوا وأين نحن من النبي ‏‏ قد غفر الله له ما تقدم من ذنبه وما تأخر قال أحدهم أما أنا فإني ‏أصلي الليل أبدا وقال آخر انا أصوم الدهر و قال آخر أنا أعتزل النساء فجاء رسول الله فقال أنتم الين قلتم كذا ‏وكذا أما والله إني لأخشاكم لله وأتقاكم له وأنا أصوم و أفطر وأصلي وأرقد وأتزوج الساء فمن رغب عن ‏سنتي فليس مني.) [البخاري] ‏
Anas bin Malik narrated: “A group of three men came to the houses of the wives of the ‎Prophet  asking how the Prophet  worshipped (Allah), and when they were informed ‎about that, they considered their worship insufficient and said, ‘where are we from the ‎Prophet  as his past and future sins have been forgiven.’ Then one of them said, ‘I will ‎offer the prayer throughout the night forever.’ The other said, ‘I will fast throughout the ‎year and will not break my fast.’ The third said, ‘I will keep away from the women and ‎will not marry forever.’ Allah’s Apostle came to them and said, ‘Are you the same ‎people who said so-and-so? By Allah, I am more submissive to Allah and more afraid of ‎him than you; yet I fast and break my fast, I do sleep and I also marry women. So he ‎who does not follow my tradition in religion is not from me [not one of my followers].” ‎‎[Albukhari]‎

It is amazing to see that the very man who came to make the people submit to their ‎Lord is the one who forbids them from excessiveness. However, this is the wisdom of ‎Allah who knows that excessiveness – even in serving Him – will only lead to ‎disagreeable consequences.‎
Islam does not only teach us moderation in acts, but also in feelings that some may ‎think are beyond their control. The Messenger of Allah said: ‎
‏”أَحْبِبْ حَبِيبَكَ هَوْنًا ما عَسَى أَنْ يَكُونَ بَغِيضَكَ يَوْمًا ما وَأَبْغِضْ بَغِيضَكَ هَوْنًا ما عَسَى أَنْ يَكُونَ حَبِيبَكَ يَوْمًا”‏
‎”Love those you love with moderation, for they may be your foes one day. And hate ‎those you hate with moderation for they may become your beloved one day.” [Al-‎Tirmidhi from Abu Hurairah]‎
In other words, moderation is the way of Islam in all matters and one of the most ‎important concepts and pillars of Tarbeiyat in Islam.‎

‎4-Knowing and Respecting the Capabilities of Man and Striking a Perfect Balance ‎Between the Potential and Goal

Allah said:‎
 ‎أَلا يَعْلَمُ مَنْ خَلَقَ وَهُوَ اللَّطِيفُ الْخَبِيرُ‏ (الملك:14)‏‎ ‎
‎”Should not He who has created know? And He is the most kind and courteous (to his ‎slaves) all aware (of everything).” [67/14]‎

Parents need to learn about their child’s capabilities, strengths and weaknesses ‎because each individual has his/her own personality and character. It is important to ‎connect with our children in order to keep the doors of communications with them open.‎
Some people do a lot of good deeds, but at the same time also do a lot of bad ones. ‎They have the potential for doing great actions, but lack the power of abstinence from ‎bad ones. Some people can fast every other day, but do not give a lot of sadaqah. So, ‎Allah gave us a variety of ways to worship Him and made eight doors for the heavens. ‎The companions of the Prophet were not all scholars or great commanders, yet they all ‎used their potential to the maximum in their work of righteousness and in the service of ‎their Deen.‎
One child may excel in math, but not in social studies. Therefore, as parents we ‎need to enhance his/her math and help him/her with social studies without undue ‎pressure so that he/she can excel in this subject as well. Also, if he/she is truthful but ‎selfish, commend him/her for his/her truthfulness and try to enhance it by showing ‎him/her that the truthful one will eventually win. However, work with patience on his/her ‎selfishness while knowing that he/she may not wind up being a very generous person, ‎but at least pays Zakat.‎
The balance of the child’s potential and the parents’ objectives is quite essential for ‎good parenting, and consequently a good outcome.‎

‎5-Habits, Character Traits, and Personal Inclinations Can Be Changed

Allah said:‎
لا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْساً إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا‏ (البقرة:286)‏
‎”Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope.” [2/286]‎

Many people think that personalities and character traits are set in stone and can ‎never be changed, such as nervousness and miserliness. However, Islam teaches us ‎that all these are changeable and that a person is actually obliged to change bad habits ‎or personal inclinations for the good, ‎
Since Allah made it obligatory on us to control our anger, it is understood from the ‎verse above, that this is within our capacity.‎
Also, the Prophet said:‎
‏”إنما العِلم بالتَّعَلُّم وإنما الحِلم بالتَّحَلُّم ومن يتحَرَّالخير يُعطَه ومن يتَّقِ الشر يوقَه”‏
‎”Becoming knowledgeable is but by seeking knowledge. And becoming patient and wise ‎is by training oneself to be so. And he who seeks good will be given it. And he who ‎seeks bad will be given it.”‎
Therefore, parents should emphasize this concept when raising their children, and never ‎give up on them. They should work with them on their weak personal traits in order to help ‎them develop the best character they may have.‎

‎6- Patience ‎

Allah said,‎
وَخُلِقَ الْإِنسَانُ ضَعِيفًا‏ [النساء: 28]‏
‎”…and man was created weak” [Al-Nisaa’: 4:28]‎

Having understood that change is possible, and consistency – Allah willing – will ‎lead to success, it is good to stay conscious of humanity’s limitations, which apply to the ‎child as well as the parent. Being aware of such limitations will enable us to overcome ‎our frustrations, and understand that the upbringing of one child is an enormous ‎undertaking that requires so much patience and resolve. ‎

So, be patient and have resolve and don’t get frustrated, for you work for Him ‎whose mercy is vast, power is unlimited and reward is guaranteed. ‎

May Allah rectify the affairs of our children! ‎